Photographs

I started making Dad’s thank you cards for those who attended his funeral. 

Back then, I had a dream. My tooth came out by itself and he was the one who brought me to this nurse and then he left. My mouth was bleeding so hard, that the nurse rushed me into the clinic… and the clinic was inside the mall. I had to laugh when I woke up, but in my dream, I was confused. He left me with the nurse and walked away. The next morning, came night… I knew he was going. I received a call at around 2am, asking for my mom to go straight to the hospital. Mommy, Mama Eva and Papa Tony rushed to the hospital and nobody asked me to go. I knew. And I knew I was going to deny that fact, that he was going.

JP was with me that time. I was crying, and Jp didn’t know what to say. He was also worried. When Mom, Mama and Papa came back… their eyes were all swollen. No one would say a word. Until, I had to ask and hear it for myself. Mom said, that Dad’s heart slowly stopped beating. 

Then the funeral… I knew I had to look at Dad… and I knew I can’t bear the pain and the reality that he had to go away. I can’t tell myself why I didn’t get to talk to him when I had the chance. Dapat nagka bati kami. Nagka ayos. Nagkalinawan. Kahit ano. Basta magka ayos kami. Umuuwi ako sa bahay. I didn’t stay there sa Paz…. but I go there once I can. Hindi ko pa rin matanggap.

Til Dad had to be cremated na. Hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala na wala na siya. I had to look at him for the last time. I can’t even stand and walk with him papuntang cremation… hindi ako nakagalaw. Alam ko wala ng second chance yun… pero hindi ko na talaga nagawa. Ang alam ko, matibay akong tao. Ang alam ko, makapal mukha ko. Ang alam ko yun. Hindi din pala.

I stayed away from people na magsasabi ng condolence. Kaya I didn’t tell my friends. Yung mga nagpupunta lang sa bahay, at yung mga ka-text ko. Sila lang halos naka alam. Ayoko kumalat kasi ayoko makarinig ng condolence. Ayoko ng haharap sa akin ang tao, na nasa mukha nila ang pagkaka alam na wala na ang dad ko. Ayoko makita nila na ako, iiyak. Ayoko makita nila na nahihirapan ako. Dahil hindi ako nahihirapan… dahil hindi nawala ang dad ko.

Andiyan ang anak niya, na parang walang nangyari. Hanggang sa nakita nalang niya na sinusunog na katawan ni dad. Pero hindi ko makita o maramdaman yung dalamhati niya. Hindi ko maramdaman na nawalan siya. Ama niya ang namatay… pero bakit ako ang nagdudusa? Bakit ako ang nawalan. Bakit ako ang hindi maka amin.

Ngayon, I’m making his thank you cards. I try to laugh. Smile. Make jokes. Laugh. Smile. Have fun. Spend money. It’ll take a lot more than just spending money to get me though this. So I decided to learn laundry. More cooking. More earning. I dreamt more. Pero hindi ko alam kung paano ko gagawan ng paraan. After a long time na hinabol ko si JP to stay with me, I don’t really think I am the right person to be with right now. I don’t know what to give anymore. I don’t understand what life is all about.  

I was looking for photos of our family. Lahat andun ang dad. I realized, yung mga photos ni Gino and Tita Ces, puros silang dalawa karamihan. Bihira yung kasama nila si Dad. Nakakasama ng luob. Hindi ko man lang nasabi kay Dad na isa siyang malaking parte ng buhay ko. AMA, KUYA at TITO. Tatlo ang roles niya sa buhay ko. Hindi lang Tito. Pati kaaway, kakampi, kaasaran. Taga pikon sakin… lahat.

Nakita ko yung photos niya. Ang guwapo kaya niya. At wala na siya.

Gusto ko print lahat ng photos niya. Gagawan ko siya ng album. Puro siya lang. Ngayon ko masasabi na napilayan ako. Tatlo agad ang nawala sakin eh. TATLO. 

 Hindi ko matanggap, na parang sa tadyang, tatlo ang nabali. Wala akong laban. Talo agad. Iba pag pamilya na ang nawala. Iba pag alam mo, na hindi mo pa narealize nuon na sa kanya ka rin pala naka sandal. Sa kanya ka rin humihingi ng payo. Kapag nagkakasakit ako, umiikot ang tumbong niya kasi natatakot siya na kung ano ang mangyayari sa akin. Ako yung unang anak, pamangkin… bunsong kapatid. AKO YUN. At bakit ganito ending namin?!

I just finished printing half of the envelopes for the thank you cards… I did them one by one. And I felt it. I felt the pain over again. The gym won’t be enough this time to make the stress or pressure or give me direction and focus. The doctors wont be able to give me enough medication to help me get through this. I don’t even know how to tell my mom, mama and papa… Jp… my friends…. I don’t even know where I stand anymore.

This time… the soil is just too soft.

This time… the photos are back.