Of Trust and Betrayal
March 15, 2010This is an old post with the same message, none the less.
IF there would be something that would be very difficult for me to get over, that would be betrayal from those who I treated and entrusted to be my friends. You see, I have trust issues and to be able to become a friend of mine, it would mean that I would share a huge part of myself with that “friend”… it’s practically suicide. Para akong pumulot ng bato para lang ipukol sa ulo ko. I don’t really trust so many people. But I do try to be a friend to most people I know. I don’t like hanging out so much. I don’t enjoy the company of those I am not really close to. But given that, I try to help even those I am not totally in good terms with. There would be people I am not really close to, but may need my help, nahihiya lang lumapit kasi nga daw eh mataray ako tignan… sa akin, tutulong talaga ako kasi naranasan ko yung hirap na hirap na ako tapos wala akong matakbuhan o kung meron man, ayaw akong tulungan. Pero nung sila ang may kelangan, kasalanan ko pa kung hindi ko afford yung tulong na hinihingi nila. I must admit also, na hindi ako tamang super like-able na person. As many people would say, mataray nga daw kasi ako at iba takbo ng utak ko. I chose to be distant from people when I turned 14. I decided not to be around them. Pero kumanta ako at the age of 15… oo around people ako pero hindi ko sila lahat ka-close. “Showbiz” eka nga ng iba. Pero hindi dahil nagmamataas ako, kungdi, natatakot akong matraydor nanaman.
Just recently, there were so many people telling me what, how and when I should do things. They dictate even the food I’d put in my mouth. Then later, I’d realize that I’m allergic to it… that I CAN’T EAT IT… like sinigang… (alam ko madaming gusto to) but I hate sinigang. And people will be telling me na maarte lang ako… the reason why I hate it is because my tummy won’t take it in. At hindi ko gusto ang ganung feeling. So ang gagawin nila, yun ang ulam every other day… kasi hindi ako kumakain nun. GUESS WHAT? I’m the one doing the groceries and marketing. And that’s family ha.
The other day, OUR MAID was telling ME why my FAMILY’S BUSINESS is losing so much money… like she’s our financial analyst. I remember her telling the neighbour’s maids about it before. I was wondering why my mother haven’t fired her yet. Pero nung isang araw, pinatulan ko talaga siya. Mashado na kasing magaling. Pati nga visitors ko kapag nag uusap kami, sumasabat eh. CLOSE? No way. Definitely not. I mean I have nothing against house help. I am actually close to my yaya. I like doing the marketing kasi and groceries so when I get home, I also like cleaning up what I bought. I enjoy cooking din. And everytime I do those things, my yaya would be helping me out and teach me things na mali kong nagagawa. Nag eenjoy ako actually kasi I learn so much from them na hindi ko natutunan sa books ko. Pero this other maid of ours, iba… ‘mayordoma’ ang drama niya. And ang nakakatawa is that, parang siya ay kadugo ko kung umasta. When I confronted her, she started crying out to my Uncle like as if I really stepped on her. What a shame! I stooped to maid’s level. Pero anung gagawin ko? Eh lahat na ata ng kapitbahay namin alam na itim lahat ng panty ko.
Nung una kong trabaho related sa tinapos ko, ibang klase naman yung pinagkatiwalaan ko. Lahat ng pagaalaga, lahat ng pag advice kasi I really took care of her cause at that time, she was slowly getting wrong impressions from most of the people we were working with. She dropped me like a hot potato. Then apologized and said that we have to start over… but then she did it again. Yung tamang hindi ko na pinapansin, pero iirapan pa ako tapos sasabihin niya masakit ulo niya. Tapos kapag dumating yung isang mas ‘mayaman’, eh biglang “Good Morning!!!” what kind of friendship is that?
There really isn’t much people qualified to be trusted eh. Ang dami kong inembrace… sabi kasi talaga nila, wala akong sense of humor. Siguro totoo. Pero it doesn’t mean na nangangain ako ng tao. Very loyal ako… at very hospitable. Black and white nga lang ang personality ko. Walang gray area… sabi din ng iba, mahirap akong baliin.
Mababaw naman ang kunsensiya ko eh. Kumbaga, mababaw din ang galit. Pati ang luha. Pero hindi nagsasabay sabay yun. Maraming nakakaalam na madali akong maawa… kaya maraming nagtake advantage. Nagparamdam na kelangan nila ng tulong. Pero nung tinulungan ko na, mayabang na. Tapos sinisiraan pa ako. Yun iba naman, alam na madali ako magalit, ang gagawin, gagalitin ako para makakuha ng sympathy from the people surrounding us… so ako nanaman yung mukhang predator. Yung iba naman, ang gagawin, gagamitin yung mga cats ko… alam na ayaw na ayaw kong pinapakialaman mga cats ko, para lang masunod yung gusto nila, tatakutin ako na ililigaw nila while I’m working. What conscience do these people have? Simply because they don’t get the best of me, they do everything low… lower even…
and if they’re not family… they claimed to be my friends.
WHY ARE YOU CLOSE WHEN YOU WON’T LET ME NEAR?
December 22, 2009What are you protecting me from?
Ofcourse, I know the answer to that. Ayaw ako masaktan ni JP kasi hindi niya kaya ibigay yung kailangan ko. Commitment. There have been many times that I told him, even my friends, that I’m doing this because JP makes me happy and most of all, I love him. I pray every night that I be given another chance.
Friends have different opinions about this. Siguro nga my patience is getting to me. I keep telling myself that I love him no matter what. Funny to hear that line from nearly all the couples I know, but they break up in the end mentioning so many reasons contradicting the lines they used to speak off. I don’t want to be one of them. I found him at last. I know it’s JP I should be with. No body makes me feel so blessed the way he does. Kahit na maraming beses pa ako masabihan ng masakit, the pain immediately vanish once I see him and his smile. Kapag he texts me, kahit ano basta may smiley dulo, I feel so relieved from all the worries.
He is protecting me from disappointment that he can possibly cause me. Or pain because he no longer loves me the same. Or maybe the reality that it’ll take time or even more to get us back together. Even if I want to start a new chapter. Although there would be times that it crosses my mind when I look at his photos… I realize that I hurt because he’s not mine. It was just borrowed time when I had him close to me, next to me. I still pray to God that I be given a chance to start anew with JP.
Sabi ni JP, he’s trying his best to get himself where I am. Hindi daw niya ako masabayan. Bihira niya ako ma-miss at yung pagmamahal hindi na tulad ng dati. Every time naalala ko yun, masakit. Tumatagos kasi eh. But inspite of all that, I still love him. EVEN MORE. Kasi I know, he respects me that much to be honest with me. Although masasaktan ako. People say there is progress. I don’t doubt it. I think meron. But the real question is, which way is the progress headed?
My clients have different stories to share when it comes to their personal lives. One even said, that after his break up with his ex, he still sees her and couldn’t resist her… but he couldn’t commit to her and his reason is that, he’s not ready for a commitment. I heard the same from JP, though I wouldn’t be telling my client that, ofcourse. He had so many reasons, most I have not heard of in my entire life, that I sometimes want to tell him that those are just made up reasons. In reality, he just got used to his ex that he couldn’t let her go. I, in that matter, ask myself if he and I are in the same shoes. I figured, WE ARE DIFFERENT. It’s not that I have gotten so used to JP that I can’t resist him. I look for him when he’s not around me. It’s not that I got so used to him around that I miss him. I love him that’s why it feels like dying when he’s not around. It’s like an addiction without the drugs. It’s not the things he can provide that I need him. It’s JP that I need. The person. It’s so hard to let go of the person that you have long been waiting for… only to lose him because you left a stone unturned. To save a relationship, there has to be something sacrificed.
A friend of mine overseas saw and heard from other friends what I have been going through. Good thing he’s not judgmental that he’d take my side for the sake of friendship. He just told me, that I should be strong enough, my heart should be strong enough to take on a losing war. God works miracles in so many different ways. Maybe this will teach me how to be stronger. But words from a friend, I should always remember to have dignity for myself not because I’m a woman, but because I’m a person, too.
“Why are you close when you won’t let me near” is a line a quote from one of the Batman movies. It’s true. I can’t get near JP freely as I hoped I could, but he can be as near as he wanted. At this point, to be honest, I’m not sure if I’m contented with what we are now… but I am happy because I know he’s mind is open to the possibility na kami pa rin sa huli.
He told me that.
Which draws me more to the stake that I shouldn’t stop fighitng for what I longed for. It’s not in my nature to give up for something that I’ve tried saving over and over. When people ask me if its still worth saving, I answer, always, “WHY NOT?!” If your love has true intentions and you don’t consider the relationship a mistake, its worth it. If you believe it enough that you thank God over and over for giving him to you, then it’s not just worth it… it’s a blessing worth keeping. Not everyone find their ‘person’. I am lucky to have found JP. God sent nga eh.
Every time na kakabahan ako, kasi hindi ako alam kung ano nangyayari kay JP sa office, or something like hindi siya nagrereply, I pray. Few minutes later, he’ll text or reply na. Then I’ll be relieved. I see now how prayers can make a difference. What more kung yung faith mo is stronger? God is good. He will never let His children walk that path if it will not make them better.
I have a bit of idea why JP is like this. Perhaps, kasalanan ko din kasi at one point, I was weak, too. But the past has past, and I am living today. I can not say that I already am ready to commit myself to anyone, but this one I know. MAHAL KO SI JP. Jean-Paul Linatoc Ferrer. Yan ang taong mahal ko. Mahal ko kahapon, ngayon… at sa dinami dami pa ng bukas na haharapin ko.
I cry when I pray. Kasi masakit not to be so near to the person you long to embrace. Alam mo yun? Yung magka harap na kayo at lahat pero hindi mo pa rin masabi yung gusto mong sabihin? Yung andiyan na sa harap mo, hindi mo pa rin pwedeng sunggabin?
