This is an old post with the same message, none the less.

IF there would be something that would be very difficult for me to get over, that would be betrayal from those who I treated and entrusted to be my friends. You see, I have trust issues and to be able to become a friend of mine, it would mean that I would share a huge part of myself with that “friend”… it’s practically suicide. Para akong pumulot ng bato para lang ipukol sa ulo ko. I don’t really trust so many people. But I do try to be a friend to most people I know. I don’t like hanging out so much. I don’t enjoy the company of those I am not really close to. But given that, I try to help even those I am not totally in good terms with. There would be people I am not really close to, but may need my help, nahihiya lang lumapit kasi nga daw eh mataray ako tignan… sa akin, tutulong talaga ako kasi naranasan ko yung hirap na hirap na ako tapos wala akong matakbuhan o kung meron man, ayaw akong tulungan. Pero nung sila ang may kelangan, kasalanan ko pa kung hindi ko afford yung tulong na hinihingi nila. I must admit also, na hindi ako tamang super like-able na person. As many people would say, mataray nga daw kasi ako at iba takbo ng utak ko. I chose to be distant from people when I turned 14. I decided not to be around them. Pero kumanta ako at the age of 15… oo around people ako pero hindi ko sila lahat ka-close. “Showbiz” eka nga ng iba. Pero hindi dahil nagmamataas ako, kungdi, natatakot akong matraydor nanaman.

Just recently, there were so many people telling me what, how and when I should do things. They dictate even the food I’d put in my mouth. Then later, I’d realize that I’m allergic to it… that I CAN’T EAT IT… like sinigang… (alam ko madaming gusto to) but I hate sinigang. And people will be telling me na maarte lang ako… the reason why I hate it is because my tummy won’t take it in. At hindi ko gusto ang ganung feeling. So ang gagawin nila, yun ang ulam every other day… kasi hindi ako kumakain nun. GUESS WHAT? I’m the one doing the groceries and marketing. And that’s family ha.

The other day, OUR MAID was telling ME why my FAMILY’S BUSINESS is losing so much money… like she’s our financial analyst. I remember her telling the neighbour’s maids about it before. I was wondering why my mother haven’t fired her yet. Pero nung isang araw, pinatulan ko talaga siya. Mashado na kasing magaling. Pati nga visitors ko kapag nag uusap kami, sumasabat eh. CLOSE? No way. Definitely not. I mean I have nothing against house help. I am actually close to my yaya. I like doing the marketing kasi and groceries so when I get home, I also like cleaning up what I bought. I enjoy cooking din. And everytime I do those things, my yaya would be helping me out and teach me things na mali kong nagagawa. Nag eenjoy ako actually kasi I learn so much from them na hindi ko natutunan sa books ko. Pero this other maid of ours, iba… ‘mayordoma’ ang drama niya. And ang nakakatawa is that, parang siya ay kadugo ko kung umasta. When I confronted her, she started crying out to my Uncle like as if I really stepped on her. What a shame! I stooped to maid’s level. Pero anung gagawin ko? Eh lahat na ata ng kapitbahay namin alam na itim lahat ng panty ko.

Nung una kong trabaho related sa tinapos ko, ibang klase naman yung pinagkatiwalaan ko. Lahat ng pagaalaga, lahat ng pag advice kasi I really took care of her cause at that time, she was slowly getting wrong impressions from most of the people we were working with. She dropped me like a hot potato. Then apologized and said that we have to start over… but then she did it again. Yung tamang hindi ko na pinapansin, pero iirapan pa ako tapos sasabihin niya masakit ulo niya. Tapos kapag dumating yung isang mas ‘mayaman’, eh biglang “Good Morning!!!” what kind of friendship is that?

There really isn’t much people qualified to be trusted eh. Ang dami kong inembrace… sabi kasi talaga nila, wala akong sense of humor. Siguro totoo. Pero it doesn’t mean na nangangain ako ng tao. Very loyal ako… at very hospitable. Black and white nga lang ang personality ko. Walang gray area… sabi din ng iba, mahirap akong baliin.

Mababaw naman ang kunsensiya ko eh. Kumbaga, mababaw din ang galit. Pati ang luha. Pero hindi nagsasabay sabay yun. Maraming nakakaalam na madali akong maawa… kaya maraming nagtake advantage. Nagparamdam na kelangan nila ng tulong. Pero nung tinulungan ko na, mayabang na. Tapos sinisiraan pa ako. Yun iba naman, alam na madali ako magalit, ang gagawin, gagalitin ako para makakuha ng sympathy from the people surrounding us… so ako nanaman yung mukhang predator. Yung iba naman, ang gagawin, gagamitin yung mga cats ko… alam na ayaw na ayaw kong pinapakialaman mga cats ko, para lang masunod yung gusto nila, tatakutin ako na ililigaw nila while I’m working. What conscience do these people have? Simply because they don’t get the best of me, they do everything low… lower even…

and if they’re not family… they claimed to be my friends.