WHY ARE YOU CLOSE WHEN YOU WON’T LET ME NEAR?

What are you protecting me from?

Ofcourse, I know the answer to that. Ayaw ako masaktan ni JP kasi hindi niya kaya ibigay yung kailangan ko. Commitment. There have been many times that I told him, even my friends, that I’m doing this because JP makes me happy and most of all, I love him. I pray every night that I be given another chance. 

Friends have different opinions about this. Siguro nga my patience is getting to me. I keep telling myself that I love him no matter what. Funny to hear that line from nearly all the couples I know, but they break up in the end mentioning so many reasons contradicting the lines they used to speak off. I don’t want to be one of them. I found him at last. I know it’s JP I should be with. No body makes me feel so blessed the way he does. Kahit na maraming beses pa ako masabihan ng masakit, the pain immediately vanish once I see him and his smile. Kapag he texts me, kahit ano basta may smiley dulo, I feel so relieved from all the worries.

He is protecting me from disappointment that he can possibly cause me. Or pain because he no longer loves me the same. Or maybe the reality that it’ll take time or even more to get us back together. Even if I want to start a new chapter.   Although there would be times that it crosses my mind when I look at his photos… I realize that I hurt because he’s not mine. It was just borrowed time when I had him close to me, next to me. I still pray to God that I be given a chance to start anew with JP.

Sabi ni JP, he’s trying his best to get himself where I am. Hindi daw niya ako masabayan. Bihira niya ako ma-miss at yung pagmamahal hindi na tulad ng dati. Every time naalala ko yun, masakit. Tumatagos kasi eh. But inspite of all that, I still love him. EVEN MORE. Kasi I know, he respects me that much to be honest with me. Although masasaktan ako. People say there is progress. I don’t doubt it. I think meron. But the real question is, which way is the progress headed? 

My clients have different stories to share when it comes to their personal lives. One even said, that after his break up with his ex, he still sees her and couldn’t resist her… but he couldn’t commit to her and his reason is that, he’s not ready for a commitment. I heard the same from JP, though I wouldn’t be telling my client that, ofcourse. He had so many reasons, most I have not heard of in my entire life, that I sometimes want to tell him that those are just made up reasons. In reality, he just got used to his ex that he couldn’t let her go. I, in that matter, ask myself if he and I are in the same shoes. I figured, WE ARE DIFFERENT. It’s not that I have gotten so used to JP that I can’t resist him. I look for him when he’s not around me. It’s not that I got so used to him around that I miss him. I love him that’s why it feels like dying when he’s not around. It’s like an addiction without the drugs.  It’s not the things he can provide that I need him. It’s JP that I need. The person. It’s so hard to let go of the person that you have long been waiting for… only to lose him because you left a stone unturned. To save a relationship, there has to be something sacrificed.

A friend of mine overseas saw and heard from other friends what I have been going through. Good thing he’s not judgmental that he’d take my side for the sake of friendship. He just told me, that I should be strong enough, my heart should be strong enough to take on a losing war. God works miracles in so many different ways. Maybe this will teach me how to be stronger. But words from a friend, I should always remember to have dignity for myself not because I’m a woman, but because I’m a person, too. 

“Why are you close when you won’t let me near” is a line a quote from one of the Batman movies. It’s true. I can’t get near JP freely as I hoped I could, but he can be as near as he wanted.  At this point, to be honest, I’m not sure if I’m contented with what we are now… but I am happy because I know he’s mind is open to the possibility na kami pa rin sa huli.

He told me that.

Which draws me more to the stake that I shouldn’t stop fighitng for what I longed for. It’s not in my nature to give up for something that I’ve tried saving over and over. When people ask me if its still worth saving, I answer, always, “WHY NOT?!” If your love has true intentions and you don’t consider the relationship a mistake, its worth it. If you believe it enough that you thank God over and over for giving him to you, then it’s not just worth it… it’s a blessing worth keeping. Not everyone find their ‘person’. I am lucky to have found JP.  God sent nga eh.

Every time na kakabahan ako, kasi hindi ako alam kung ano nangyayari kay JP sa office, or something like hindi siya nagrereply, I pray. Few minutes later, he’ll text or reply na.  Then I’ll be relieved. I see now how prayers can make a difference. What more kung yung faith mo is stronger? God is good. He will never let His children walk that path if it will not make them better. 

I have a bit of idea why JP is like this. Perhaps, kasalanan ko din kasi at one point, I was weak, too. But the past has past, and I am living today. I can not say that I already am ready to commit myself to anyone, but this one I know. MAHAL KO SI JP. Jean-Paul Linatoc Ferrer. Yan ang taong mahal ko. Mahal ko kahapon, ngayon… at sa dinami dami pa ng bukas na haharapin ko. 

I cry when I pray. Kasi masakit not to be so near to the person you long to embrace. Alam mo yun? Yung magka harap na kayo at lahat pero hindi mo pa rin masabi yung gusto mong sabihin? Yung andiyan na sa harap mo, hindi mo pa rin pwedeng sunggabin?