MEDICATIONS

I had no plans looking out for what drug I take, really. I trust my doctors completely. So if they do not prefer telling me what I have, then I just leave it up to them to help me get better. I’m not the ‘asking patient’. He would give me prescriptions and strict instructions upon taking them. And I follow every bit of it.

I thought it was just seizures, as obvious as I can recall. Then, it became complex partial seizures. I still have no initiative what it is, since I started having been diagnosed with focal motor seizures. But years passed, and lately, there had been an addition to my medication. This small pill made the difference. I decided to look it up on the internet just a while ago. And it confirmed it. I do have complex partial seizure, that would be the call of my doctor … and I have nothing to say about that. But the new pill, I learned, is for Bipolar Syndrome or what others would call it Major Depressive Disorder OR Schizophrenia.

The more I read about it, the more everything made sense. Why am I in my room most of the time? And why I prefer not to communicate? Why I’d rather curl up in my bed and wait for all the pain to go away?

Now, everything I have, had and will have… would have to change. It’s just because of this one pill. It’s like dropping everything at the same time. It’s more like off the pan boiling soup forced in your mouth and even if you scream in pain, there wouldn’t be any thing you can do. The burn is there, you’re red all over and not even the so-called ‘cooling cream’ would help make you feel any better. Whatever it may be for me, it’s already there. The pill wouldn’t be given to me if not needed. My doctor wouldn’t do such a thing.

I am not taking 2 pills in the morning, 3 at lunch and 5 by bedtime. Not to forget the cost of each pill. I don’t remember complaining about my medication but this time, I am afraid that maybe… I really am that sick.

Photographs

I started making Dad’s thank you cards for those who attended his funeral. 

Back then, I had a dream. My tooth came out by itself and he was the one who brought me to this nurse and then he left. My mouth was bleeding so hard, that the nurse rushed me into the clinic… and the clinic was inside the mall. I had to laugh when I woke up, but in my dream, I was confused. He left me with the nurse and walked away. The next morning, came night… I knew he was going. I received a call at around 2am, asking for my mom to go straight to the hospital. Mommy, Mama Eva and Papa Tony rushed to the hospital and nobody asked me to go. I knew. And I knew I was going to deny that fact, that he was going.

JP was with me that time. I was crying, and Jp didn’t know what to say. He was also worried. When Mom, Mama and Papa came back… their eyes were all swollen. No one would say a word. Until, I had to ask and hear it for myself. Mom said, that Dad’s heart slowly stopped beating. 

Then the funeral… I knew I had to look at Dad… and I knew I can’t bear the pain and the reality that he had to go away. I can’t tell myself why I didn’t get to talk to him when I had the chance. Dapat nagka bati kami. Nagka ayos. Nagkalinawan. Kahit ano. Basta magka ayos kami. Umuuwi ako sa bahay. I didn’t stay there sa Paz…. but I go there once I can. Hindi ko pa rin matanggap.

Til Dad had to be cremated na. Hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala na wala na siya. I had to look at him for the last time. I can’t even stand and walk with him papuntang cremation… hindi ako nakagalaw. Alam ko wala ng second chance yun… pero hindi ko na talaga nagawa. Ang alam ko, matibay akong tao. Ang alam ko, makapal mukha ko. Ang alam ko yun. Hindi din pala.

I stayed away from people na magsasabi ng condolence. Kaya I didn’t tell my friends. Yung mga nagpupunta lang sa bahay, at yung mga ka-text ko. Sila lang halos naka alam. Ayoko kumalat kasi ayoko makarinig ng condolence. Ayoko ng haharap sa akin ang tao, na nasa mukha nila ang pagkaka alam na wala na ang dad ko. Ayoko makita nila na ako, iiyak. Ayoko makita nila na nahihirapan ako. Dahil hindi ako nahihirapan… dahil hindi nawala ang dad ko.

Andiyan ang anak niya, na parang walang nangyari. Hanggang sa nakita nalang niya na sinusunog na katawan ni dad. Pero hindi ko makita o maramdaman yung dalamhati niya. Hindi ko maramdaman na nawalan siya. Ama niya ang namatay… pero bakit ako ang nagdudusa? Bakit ako ang nawalan. Bakit ako ang hindi maka amin.

Ngayon, I’m making his thank you cards. I try to laugh. Smile. Make jokes. Laugh. Smile. Have fun. Spend money. It’ll take a lot more than just spending money to get me though this. So I decided to learn laundry. More cooking. More earning. I dreamt more. Pero hindi ko alam kung paano ko gagawan ng paraan. After a long time na hinabol ko si JP to stay with me, I don’t really think I am the right person to be with right now. I don’t know what to give anymore. I don’t understand what life is all about.  

I was looking for photos of our family. Lahat andun ang dad. I realized, yung mga photos ni Gino and Tita Ces, puros silang dalawa karamihan. Bihira yung kasama nila si Dad. Nakakasama ng luob. Hindi ko man lang nasabi kay Dad na isa siyang malaking parte ng buhay ko. AMA, KUYA at TITO. Tatlo ang roles niya sa buhay ko. Hindi lang Tito. Pati kaaway, kakampi, kaasaran. Taga pikon sakin… lahat.

Nakita ko yung photos niya. Ang guwapo kaya niya. At wala na siya.

Gusto ko print lahat ng photos niya. Gagawan ko siya ng album. Puro siya lang. Ngayon ko masasabi na napilayan ako. Tatlo agad ang nawala sakin eh. TATLO. 

 Hindi ko matanggap, na parang sa tadyang, tatlo ang nabali. Wala akong laban. Talo agad. Iba pag pamilya na ang nawala. Iba pag alam mo, na hindi mo pa narealize nuon na sa kanya ka rin pala naka sandal. Sa kanya ka rin humihingi ng payo. Kapag nagkakasakit ako, umiikot ang tumbong niya kasi natatakot siya na kung ano ang mangyayari sa akin. Ako yung unang anak, pamangkin… bunsong kapatid. AKO YUN. At bakit ganito ending namin?!

I just finished printing half of the envelopes for the thank you cards… I did them one by one. And I felt it. I felt the pain over again. The gym won’t be enough this time to make the stress or pressure or give me direction and focus. The doctors wont be able to give me enough medication to help me get through this. I don’t even know how to tell my mom, mama and papa… Jp… my friends…. I don’t even know where I stand anymore.

This time… the soil is just too soft.

This time… the photos are back.

HAPPY

I was so frustrated of what’s going on last night, that I’ve forgotten about the time. Now that I checked all the cards, I realized I wasn’t happy with it. I am better than this.

 Well, It’s me, really, who’s at fault. I started late. So, I ended up working on them late. And as my eyes began to see things twice as much, I walked back to my room with words hanging on to my head like Christmas decors. JP and I had much to discuss. He has this “small things piled up” at the back of his mind, making him worriesome. I can’t help but ask, though I know I should not. But how will I be able to help him clear atleast one of the many that bothers him if I had not asked? On the other hand, I always end up being the bad guy when I bring things up just so he can open up. What could make him happy, really? 

When we were apart, he mentioned, that he wakes up in the morning with “magaan na feeling, na nakangiti” from the day we went out the night prior. It’s the commitment, actually, that kills him. He wants to be a good provider and the BEST boyfriend and FUTURE HUSBAND, that he tends to overdo a lot of things. I don’t ask for too much, really. Time is no question but it’s simple and to be expected from lovers who really, truly and sincerely loves each other to find each other in the arms of the other, just to be able to free one from worry. Instead, it’s difficult for him, because he had to come home to me first before he heads home to his parents and the time, travel and lack of sleep slowly eats his strength and nothing left comes out of him, even money.

I don’t want to be a bother or a burden… but what else could it be when that trouble is actually ME. I do have so many things to do with him… like go to the beach, or take a vacation… but since he stressed out, “We’re not married yet”…. it sounded like it’s too real… and the future’s too blurred.

If he’s not happy, then what can make him happy if not me? 

March 15 2010

it’s not about time that we’re here, living. it’s chance. for i’d rather be here, living, than just somewhere, floating, watching people live.

Of Trust and Betrayal

WHY ARE YOU CLOSE WHEN YOU WON’T LET ME NEAR?

What are you protecting me from?

Ofcourse, I know the answer to that. Ayaw ako masaktan ni JP kasi hindi niya kaya ibigay yung kailangan ko. Commitment. There have been many times that I told him, even my friends, that I’m doing this because JP makes me happy and most of all, I love him. I pray every night that I be given another chance. 

Friends have different opinions about this. Siguro nga my patience is getting to me. I keep telling myself that I love him no matter what. Funny to hear that line from nearly all the couples I know, but they break up in the end mentioning so many reasons contradicting the lines they used to speak off. I don’t want to be one of them. I found him at last. I know it’s JP I should be with. No body makes me feel so blessed the way he does. Kahit na maraming beses pa ako masabihan ng masakit, the pain immediately vanish once I see him and his smile. Kapag he texts me, kahit ano basta may smiley dulo, I feel so relieved from all the worries.

He is protecting me from disappointment that he can possibly cause me. Or pain because he no longer loves me the same. Or maybe the reality that it’ll take time or even more to get us back together. Even if I want to start a new chapter.   Although there would be times that it crosses my mind when I look at his photos… I realize that I hurt because he’s not mine. It was just borrowed time when I had him close to me, next to me. I still pray to God that I be given a chance to start anew with JP.

Sabi ni JP, he’s trying his best to get himself where I am. Hindi daw niya ako masabayan. Bihira niya ako ma-miss at yung pagmamahal hindi na tulad ng dati. Every time naalala ko yun, masakit. Tumatagos kasi eh. But inspite of all that, I still love him. EVEN MORE. Kasi I know, he respects me that much to be honest with me. Although masasaktan ako. People say there is progress. I don’t doubt it. I think meron. But the real question is, which way is the progress headed? 

My clients have different stories to share when it comes to their personal lives. One even said, that after his break up with his ex, he still sees her and couldn’t resist her… but he couldn’t commit to her and his reason is that, he’s not ready for a commitment. I heard the same from JP, though I wouldn’t be telling my client that, ofcourse. He had so many reasons, most I have not heard of in my entire life, that I sometimes want to tell him that those are just made up reasons. In reality, he just got used to his ex that he couldn’t let her go. I, in that matter, ask myself if he and I are in the same shoes. I figured, WE ARE DIFFERENT. It’s not that I have gotten so used to JP that I can’t resist him. I look for him when he’s not around me. It’s not that I got so used to him around that I miss him. I love him that’s why it feels like dying when he’s not around. It’s like an addiction without the drugs.  It’s not the things he can provide that I need him. It’s JP that I need. The person. It’s so hard to let go of the person that you have long been waiting for… only to lose him because you left a stone unturned. To save a relationship, there has to be something sacrificed.

A friend of mine overseas saw and heard from other friends what I have been going through. Good thing he’s not judgmental that he’d take my side for the sake of friendship. He just told me, that I should be strong enough, my heart should be strong enough to take on a losing war. God works miracles in so many different ways. Maybe this will teach me how to be stronger. But words from a friend, I should always remember to have dignity for myself not because I’m a woman, but because I’m a person, too. 

“Why are you close when you won’t let me near” is a line a quote from one of the Batman movies. It’s true. I can’t get near JP freely as I hoped I could, but he can be as near as he wanted.  At this point, to be honest, I’m not sure if I’m contented with what we are now… but I am happy because I know he’s mind is open to the possibility na kami pa rin sa huli.

He told me that.

Which draws me more to the stake that I shouldn’t stop fighitng for what I longed for. It’s not in my nature to give up for something that I’ve tried saving over and over. When people ask me if its still worth saving, I answer, always, “WHY NOT?!” If your love has true intentions and you don’t consider the relationship a mistake, its worth it. If you believe it enough that you thank God over and over for giving him to you, then it’s not just worth it… it’s a blessing worth keeping. Not everyone find their ‘person’. I am lucky to have found JP.  God sent nga eh.

Every time na kakabahan ako, kasi hindi ako alam kung ano nangyayari kay JP sa office, or something like hindi siya nagrereply, I pray. Few minutes later, he’ll text or reply na.  Then I’ll be relieved. I see now how prayers can make a difference. What more kung yung faith mo is stronger? God is good. He will never let His children walk that path if it will not make them better. 

I have a bit of idea why JP is like this. Perhaps, kasalanan ko din kasi at one point, I was weak, too. But the past has past, and I am living today. I can not say that I already am ready to commit myself to anyone, but this one I know. MAHAL KO SI JP. Jean-Paul Linatoc Ferrer. Yan ang taong mahal ko. Mahal ko kahapon, ngayon… at sa dinami dami pa ng bukas na haharapin ko. 

I cry when I pray. Kasi masakit not to be so near to the person you long to embrace. Alam mo yun? Yung magka harap na kayo at lahat pero hindi mo pa rin masabi yung gusto mong sabihin? Yung andiyan na sa harap mo, hindi mo pa rin pwedeng sunggabin?

Just Bitter Sweet

I wouldn’t really call it ‘progress’. But there had been developments. We had small talks left and right, talks that he asked me to AVOID bringing up. Pero kasi, there are going to be times na kelangan kong tanungin lalo na kapag I’m getting frustrated kasi I’ll be getting emotional or needy… kasi the feelings don’t just bounce back. He has limits and he explained them as fairly as he can, even considering how I would feel kaya ingat na ingat siya magsalita.

Jp and I watched Aiza Seguerra’s concert at the Metro Bar just recently.  Her concert were all OPMs and it was amazing! She was amazing! Not all singers can bring me to tears, but all her chosen songs were delivered with a message. And I was able to get the message of the songs. I think Jp did, too because that same night, he opened up. And the day after and the after that, we were texting as often as we can. There had been no I love you’s coming from him YET, just me, but there came smileys, and hugs and good mornings and good nights…. and it was great!!! Baby steps were walking… and small talks were working… and I am happier.

From that evening, everything seemed lighter… enjoyable… refreshing. I felt God’s presence that everything will be alright. Times are tough, tides are high… and that it’s okay. I chose to love Jp, and difficulties will come more and more trials will not back off and still I can feel His presence, telling me that it’s okay. 

I really hate to remember all the nasty things that happened between us. I’ll just leave them all behind and bring with me the good memories and lessons that I’ve learned. And be happy. And make him happy. I am happy.

Jp, I love you.

October 30 2009

OO.

Nung October 20, yun yung set na date na celebrate niya birthday niya with me. Kasi daw October 21, pang family lang niya. At the end of the day, kasama ako nung birthday niya.

Kasama din ako last weekend sa Pansol nung nagbakasyon yung team niya sa office. Kahit sila gulat.

Kahit ako gulat.

Ilang na ilang.

After nun, text na lang or chat. 

Kanina kasi sinabihan ako ng mom ko na magluto ng dinner. Ininvite ko siya. Matagal na din. Ayaw niya kasi may lakad siya. This week, after office parati siya may lakad. So, sabi ko san? Friends. Okay. Di siya pupunta. Tinanong ko pano kung magpunta ako sa office niya tapos may lakad siya. Ang sagot. YUN LANG. Hindi naman daw ako nagsasabi ng lakad ko nung kami pa, ano pa kaya ngayon.

Hindi ako umaalis ng bahay. Ilang buwan na. Kung aalis man ako, siya pa kasama ko. Kung magpapaka ampalaya ako, siguro binalik ko na lang ng binalik yung mga panahon na naging irrational siya mag isip. Yung may sakit ako, nagka babae pa siya. Pero hindi eh. Ayoko na bumalik dun. Hindi pagtakas ang tawag dun. Ang tawag dun, moving forward.

Ngayon, ako ang palpak… kelangan ko ba maghintay ng ilang taon para masabi niyang, naka move forward na siya? 

Hindi daw sila matutuloy sa Lipa bukas kasi nga daw may bagyo. Sabi niya makakapunta pa siya dito bukas. EH MAY BAGYO NGA EH. “Eh di sa Linggo”… 

Adjust…. adjust…. adjust….

Simula sa pagpunta niya sa Japan…. adjust… according to his availability. Minsan ako yung wala sa sarili pero, adjust lang. Tinatanong ko sarili ko, kung magaasawa ko, ito ba ang klase ng asawa na gusto ko magkaron?! Yung mabubuhay ka sa kahapon, yung adjust lang ng adjust…. yung ganon.

I’m looking for jobs na sa ibang bansa. Parang everything’s not working out for me here sa Philippines. I think I need a new life. A fresh start. Yung wala akong kilala. Una kong makikilala perfect stranger tapos magiging bestfriend ko. Tapos yung work ko magiging okay kasi sanay na ko sa ropes. Tapos palagi na ako nagtatravel kasi wala na akong ibang iniisip. I can help my mom na. I can get a good doctor pa. 

It’s tiring. Yung magtatampo ka pero friends lang naman kayo. Yung masabihan ka ng ganun, pero may nangyari sa inyo kahit friends lang kayo. Tapos ano, you’ll just take it in? 

Buti nalang kahapon, nakausap ko si Jhackie at natuwa ako kasi yung ugali niya hindi nagbago. Protective pa rin. Honest pa rin ang opinion niya. Kanina nakausap ko si Mond. Kahit sandali lang. Kape daw. Naiisip ko, is this His way of telling me to let go na kasi I found my friends na makakapitan? Kahit nuon pa naman eh. Andiyan si D’ryan. Nasermonan pa ako nun eh. According to him, kelangan walang communication. Pag break, BREAK! Siguro nga ako lang tong kumakapit.

Ang hirap.

Para akong pilay.

October 17 2009

11:44 PM

I know, it’s hard. Mahirap mag let go. Mahirap ibigay yung gusto ng iba, tapos hindi yun ang gusto mo. Mahirap din umasa na ibigay sayo yung gusto mo, pero hindi yun ang gusto niya. Birthday na ni JP sa 21. Hindi malakas ang kita ko being a consultant. Nag uumpisa pa lang ako eh. Compare mo naman sa kanya… stable ang income, sarili niya decision niya. Wala pa ako sa ganun. Meron na akong nabili for him yesterday nung nagkita kami nila Mitch sa greenhills. While Mitch and Cathy went back to Music Museum to cheer for Dick, kami nila Jamyl and Rox naghanap naman ng stuff. Si Rox naghahanap ng accessories. Ako may nakitang striped knit shirt, naalala si JP. I planned to buy 2 nga eh para parehas kami. Kaso I didn’t bring my wallet, and enough cash. They don’t accept credit card naman. So for JP na lang ang binili ko. 

When I got home yesterday, binalot ko na agad. Tapos I looked for my portfolio kasi meron akong isang paper dun na lahat ng doodles ko while talking to him nung nasa Japan pa siya, pinakita ko sa kanya. May mga comments pa nga siya dun eh. Kesho hindi pantay, hindi tama yung kulay… very raw ideas kasi eh. I made a three-fold card out of it. I wrote a birthday note… tapos ‘love always’.

I woke up late today. Heavy head. Daig ko pa may hang over. I have colds, slight cough tapos medyo may fever. Probably because of the colds. I told Mitch na hindi ako sure kung makakasama ako. Although kapag kasama si JP, sama ako kasi I know for sure mag eenjoy ako kahit I’m not feeling so well. So I called him. Kasi sabi ni Mitch hindi daw nagrereply sa kanya. I woke him up pala. Tapos mainit na ulo niya. Nagsorry ako for waking him up. 

Then it started. The topic jumped to the few months that happened way back. Hindi daw niya alam yung mga pag alis alis ko. He can’t be friends daw with me kasi ang daming grey area. Ang dami daw niya hindi alam. Hindi clear. I mean, that’s why we’ve broken up nga eh. And now, we’re friends. 

One time we’ve talked about it, we are fixing ourselves for each other. Ngayon, sa mga text niya, parang ako lang may kasalanan ng lahat. I’m carrying the burden myself na nga. Hindi ko kinaya nung umalis siya. I’m paying for it na. I was wrong. It was my fault. But before today, we were going out for a movie, burger dinner…. timezone… hang out talaga as friends. And there was this event pa nga na I reminded him na ‘baby steps muna… kasi we’re fixing ourselves pa’. Pero ngayon, yung mga messages niya parang ako na yung pinaka masamang tao. Parang kasalanan ko talaga to why it all happened. 

I mean, since we broke up and became friends, I’m just maintaining my distance. Kasi I’m still inlove with him… obviously. People smack me on the head for not letting go. Pero I still have this feeling that everything will be fine. I had the courage and strength to forgive him when he had another woman. Pero siya iba eh. He just won’t forgive me… won’t let go of that mistake I made. 

Nandun pa rin ako sa state na yun… sa level na yun… akala ko one step improvement na eh. We took three steps back pala. I have no money. No stable job. 1 month nako hindi lumalabas ng bahay, if I do, kasama pa siya. What did I do now?  San pa ko nagkamali? Lahat na lang. Pati paghinga ko yata mali eh.

Ayoko na magmukhang masama. Ako kasi yung harsh but with good intentions. Siya yung likeable. Siya yung funny, light and masarap kasama. Ako daw, parating serious. Konti lang yung nakaka alam na loka loka rin ako. Konti lang kasi yung nagdare na makasama ako talaga. Marami yung takot. Hindi nila alam, tao rin ako. May weaknesses, at naapektohan din. And at this point, ako na yung nagmumukhang naghahabol. Ako na yung mukhang sobrang kapal. 

Kanina nasabihan ako ng friend and batchmate ko. Tandaan ko daw na ako ang babae… at ako dapat ang hinahabol. Pero kilala ko si JP. Hindi yan maghahabol. Ganyan kalaki galit niya sa akin eh. Hindi na mangyayari yun. Gusto nga niya civil na lang kami.  Puro text. Puro text talaga. Tumatawag ako nirereject niya. Hindi daw magandang mag usap kami ngayon. Kasi argument daw. Argument? Wala na nga akong lakas makipag away. Ingat na ingat na nga ako kapag siya. Kasi baka maliit na pagkakamali ko lang, lumaki na. Ganun ako katakot sa kanya. 

Kanina dinner time, tinawag ako ni Gin (cousin ko) para kumain. Hindi ako lumilingon. Kaharap ko lang monitor ko. Facebook lang ang ginagawa ko. Alam niya umiiyak ako. At hindi ako nagpapakita sa kanya pag umiiyak ako kaya hindi ako lumilingon. Nag offer na lang siya ng kape. Dinalan ako ng maid. Maka-JP yun ah. Ayaw daw niya sa iba. Ayaw daw niya na iba maging boyfriend ko o mapang asawa ko. Mas napaiyak ako nung naalala ko yun. 

Sa totoo lang, madami naman pinapakilala sa akin eh. Tanggi na ako ng tanggi. Hindi ako kagandahan. Hindi ako sexy.  Hindi ko na rin alam kung bakit puro pagdududa. Umikot na mundo ko kay JP pero hindi pa rin niya alam yun?!  

Masakit na talaga ah. It takes more than this to hurt me… pero ito nag rereklamo na ko. Dahil ito masakit na talaga.